aka, the quest of a lifetime
i have a day off today after working my ass off yesterday. i was alone, and i always like that....i get more things done that way. Angela, my boss, was impressed with everything i did, and i told her she should be 'cause i worked my ass off. so i came home and i started feeling depressed again, just from looking at the mess in the kitchen from the night before. its that same feeling of having to clean, make the house look nice for andrew because he is working hard, making the big bucks for the house. sometimes i feel like a house wife, which sometimes is not a bad thing, but i get tired too, waking up at 430 am and working until 3pm, and i dont want to do anything but sleep on the couch watching the golden girls. But of course sleeping makes me more depressed, so i dont know what to do. i usually end up sleeping, waking up 20 minutes before andrew gets home, then cleaning like mad, not getting enuf done, feeling useless and self-consious, lazy, etc...then i listen to ani and tori and get even more depressed!! lol...but, the RARE times i get like this (riiight...rare, sure) i end up feeling creative, like there's a river of underground emotion inside, i just need to dig down and tap into it...so, thats my goal, to find my auger, post-hole digger, shovel, spade, whatever, get down into that rush, make it come, force it out, create something, anything, to prove it's there.